There is a reality show I occasionally watch called “Hoarders: Buried Alive”.  It seems as if most of the individuals who are featured have experienced some traumatic event or family situation that caused them to replace meaningful human relationships with “things”.  These men and women are usually suffering from depression and or loss, and have closed off the outside world with mountains of possessions.

In a distorted way, watching this show makes me feel better about myself holding onto a few boxes of possessions- kid’s clothes, toys from my childhood, holiday decorations, old yearbooks and photos.  I do not have space for many of these items because I live with and proudly care for my elderly father in his small house.  But watching the hoards on the TV show which consist of piles of old newspapers & magazines, bags of clothing, countless collections of anything and everything, mixed in with trash and often overrun with insects and rodents, makes me feel like my few boxes aren’t so bad!  And I don’t have any insects, the trash is taken out daily, floors are clean- vacuumed, swept and mopped regularly, and dishes are washed, dried and put up every day.

The aspect I find most fascinating about the show is not seeing how bad the living conditions are.  I certainly empathize with people who are in such a low place mentally and emotionally that they settle for existing in this type of environment because they just cannot “dig out” without professional help. What is most compelling is watching the process by which the psychologists, social workers, and professional organizers attempt to engage the hoarders in the debriding process.  They help them learn how to sort through what to keep, donate, sell or trash.  Quite simply, they teach them the mental process of “letting go”.

Making decisions about what to “let go” can be exhausting.  What makes it so difficult is dealing with the emotions associated with each item the person sees or touches.  When a person starts to make a decision about what to do with a personal item that belonged to them or possibly belonged to a relative, they are holding onto the feelings they had (the teddy bear they held as a child, a favorite pocketbook that belonged to Mom, an old tool with a broken handle that Grandpa used in his shop).  Making the delineation between the object itself and the emotion it evokes takes a conscious effort.

Which brings me to my process of “letting go”.

After Mom passed on August 28, 2019, there was the very emotional process of sorting through and deciding what to do with her possessions.  This began when I gathered up her belongings from her room in the nursing home, which I did the hour after she died.  I did not want to have to go back the following day….I had too many other things to do.

As the days passed after Mom’s memorial service, I began going through the drawers and closets at home that were full of her belongings.  There was no reason to hold onto Mom’s clothes.  We did not have space for the bedroom suite she used when she was in the Memory Care Unit.  We had no place to store the hospital bed she required prior to being admitted to the Skilled Nursing Home.  There were things….lots and lots of THINGS that were Mom’s that I needed to come to grip with.  I could not hold onto them….what would I do with size medium elastic waist slacks that she used for ease of dressing?  What about all the older pairs of eyeglasses she kept in her drawer with outdated prescriptions?  Did I really need 5 tote bags with the logos of travel agencies and cruises she and Dad had enjoyed?

Like Winnie the Pooh says….think, think, think!   And I came up with a new purposeful goal, and a way to help heal the raw, painful emotions I was feeling after the loss of my Mom.  I self-coined the phrase “Meaningful Donation”.  I know…..most people donate things to charitable organizations in an effort to re-purpose the belongings of a loved one.  Often bags and boxes and racks of clothing, shoes, books, and other possessions will be hastily lumped together and carted off in an effort to accomplish many goals…. to free up space for others in the home, to avoid having to look at the personal items that remind us our loved one is no longer with us (the emotional attachment!!!), and to simply help move on to a new phase of adjustment without our beloved family member.

I could not bear to gather together everything and drop it off at a charity where I would no longer know what happened to these items.  These were outfits my Mom carefully chose and purchased, with hard earned money, when she was able to do so.  The bedroom suite was the first one my parents ever owned back in the 1950’s.  There were gifts Mom had been given- puzzles to pass the time before her dementia progressed to the point that she could no longer assemble them, books she enjoyed until she could no longer read, and precious, beloved stuffed animals that gave her comfort during the days that communication was challenging. I had to find the perfect, meaningful home for each of these items……I know- it’s an emotional thing!   But somehow a part of Mom still lived on in each of these items.  I needed to protect them like I protected her.  I needed to know that they would give someone else joy to use or keep someone else’s Mom warm, or bring a smile to other people just as they once brought a smile to Mom’s face!

So my quest began.  The largest volume of items I needed to “let go of” by “meaningful donation” was clothing.  A large portion of the clothing was not the type that would even be easily resold at a charity shop….think older lady, soft, elastic, no buttons or snaps, very warm, and long sleeves to protect fragile skin.  Mom was always “stylishly” dressed within the constraints I just described, and her outfits always matched.  But there is a limited population that would enjoy these clothes and would wear them.

I made calls to area nursing homes and agencies to identify some specific individuals who I could personally carry items to.  It did not take long before I found an assisted living/ memory care facility that housed many indigent or “forgotten” residents.   I coordinated with the staff at this local facility to give my first donation.  The staff identified two ladies in immediate need that could wear Mom’s size clothing.  One had a legal guardian who had recently dropped her off to live there with only the clothing on her back.  The other was an elderly lady whose family rarely visited, and she often lacked adequate clothing.

It is hard to describe the pure joy I felt washing Mom’s clothes, matching up outfits, and carefully grouping them in two separate piles, ready to take to their new owners!  I took particular care dividing the clothing so each pile would include a sweater and jacket, plus matching gowns and bathrobes.  The day I was scheduled to make the delivery felt like Christmas morning to me!  I was not disappointed either.  The smiles on the recipient’s faces as they looked through the piles of outfits were priceless.  I had included several extra pieces for each lady to choose from- some solid color mock turtlenecks, a few novelty sweatshirts and sweater vests.  I was not offended when they picked through the clothes and did not choose all of the pieces offered.  After all, I wanted them to want to wear them, and feel like they accepted them out of appreciation, not obligation.

The few shirts and trousers the ladies did not take were carried to the clothing closet in the laundry room.  The laundry attendant was thrilled to have such nice “extras” to help fill in the gaps when resident’s personal items became damaged, lost or simply worn out.

The ladies both asked why I was bringing them the clothes.  I did not want to tell them they had belonged to my Mother who had recently passed away.  I simply said “they are my Mother’s, and she simply can’t use them anymore.”  It was the truth.  The answer satisfied them both.  But one of the women called back over her shoulder as she carried the basket back to her room “please tell your Mom Thank you from me!”  I said I would…and in my silent prayers that night, I kept my promise.

A week later, I continued my “meaningful donations” by carrying a large amount of craft items and puzzles to the activity director at the same facility.  There were also a large number of shoes, many barely worn, that I carried in hopes they might help out if a resident was in need of them. When I walked in, I was met in the hallway by Veronica who hurried up to me, threw her arms around my neck, and said “Please thank your Mother for me!  I love my new clothes!”  She was wearing one of the Mom’s outfits!  Veronica was one of the two ladies who I’d had the pleasure of meeting and gifting clothes to the previous week.  She was not much older than me, but had some mental challenges that required her to have supervised living.  Under the care of only a legal guardian appointed by the state, she was dropped off at this facility with only the clothes she was wearing.  While she was so very proud of her “new” outfits, I was even more touched because in some small way, my Mom was there with us.

As the weeks of fall went by I delved further into the reaches of the closets at home, drawers in Mom’s old dresser,  boxes in the attic, and areas in the utility room and garage where I had stored things Until….until I found time to sort through them, until found a new home for them, etc….

I made repeated trips to the assisted living home.  Once I carried hospital socks with gripper feet and fidget blankets for dementia patients.  One trip I made specifically to carry a large quantity of men’s winter jackets, hats and gloves.  These items came from unpacking boxes of my oldest child’s clothing- long outgrown, but still in great condition, and able to keep somebody warm.  A few came from my Dad’s closet and drawers, including fleece jackets and hats.  As the cold weather closed in, I drove by the facility and saw 2 men sitting on the front porch wearing two of the coats I brought just a few weeks earlier!

I’ve found myself becoming truly excited about this “meaningful donation”.  Instead of feeling a void from the donated items, the getting rid of or “letting go” is becoming a gift, a way to pay forward and continue the memory of a loved one! The items are being given a new purpose instead of being boxed up, thrown away, or forgotten.

To continue the creative ways to meaningfully donate, loads of paper, notebooks, office supplies and lots of reference and educational books (new enough to still be relevant) were delivered to the local Boys and Girls Club.  Many of these items I discovered unpacking boxes from when I moved into my parent’s home to care for them.  So not only was I letting go of Mom’s belongings, but those of my grown children.

Sleeping bags and blankets, and (this one surprised me!) gently used or new undergarments that I discovered in Mom’s dresser drawers, were donated to an organization that works specifically with the homeless population in our county.  These items, especially women’s underwear and sleeping bags, are in high demand. The volunteers go directly to the homeless camps to deliver the items because many of the inhabitants have no way to access donation sites or thrift stores.

Mom was a proud and active member of her church.  She had a large collection of Bibles in various editions, as well as Christian literature books, many old Sunday School lesson booklets and devotional materials.  After contacting the librarian for my parent’s church, she was grateful to add about a dozen new titles to the church’s collection, all in memory of Mom!  Regarding the Bibles, I carefully sorted through them, thumbing through each one to see if I could tell which one was Her favorite.  Even though I have my own Bible, I chose to keep the one Mom used the most.  In fact, when I delivered her Memorial Service, I quoted a passage she had underlined from her most well-worn Bible.  For all of the others, I needed to locate a good home where they could be appreciated by others eager to study God’s Word.  Through an online search, I discovered an organization in the Midwest that distributes gently used Christian literature all over the world- and they take donations of Bibles and books that have been written in or have passages underlined!  So Bibles with the name “Betty” inside the front cover, along with Sunday School lesson and devotional books read by Mom, are on their way to all corners of the world.

By far the largest items that I needed to “let go” were housed in the garage.  A bookcase headboard with bedframe, chest of drawers, double dresser and nightstand left one afternoon on a truck bound for a Habitat for Humanity Reuse Store.  As I shared earlier, this bedroom suite was the first one my parents bought when they started keeping house in the early 1950’s.  They took meticulous care of it.  The 4 pieces made multiple moves to different towns, and was even used by Mom in the Memory Care facility where she lived for several years as her health deteriorated.  Could I have sold it? Yes…but to put a dollar amount on this, or for that matter ANY of the items donated, would have somehow cheapened the meaning behind each item and this whole process.  Memories and the emotions attached to those memories may be triggered by an object which could be sold, but their true value is priceless.

As the 2019 Christmas holiday season approached, I made another delivery to the assisted living home.  The wreath that had decorated Mom’s room door for several previous Christmas seasons was placed on Veronica’s door (remember her from earlier?!).  And, for the duration of the holidays, Mom’s little Christmas tree, which she kept in her room in Memory Care, stood proudly on the entry table, greeting all of the visitors as they entered the facility.

You see, by engaging in the act of “meaningful donation”, I’ve helped establish Mom’s legacy.  She is still taking care of others by helping the homeless, clothing the ladies in the Assisted Living facility, bringing enjoyment to the elderly as they complete puzzles and craft activities, teaching those seeking a stronger relationship with God, bringing warmth to those who are cold, and giving a family a bed in which to sleep and drawers to store their belongings.  Mom is still doing what she always made her life’s mission- caring for people.  I’m just helping her a little bit.  And through this process I’m the one who has benefited the most.

I’ve learned to “let go” of items I associated with Mom.  I have come to realize that it’s not the Christmas sweater I remember Mom wearing or the book I bought her to read that I need to hold on to.  Just because I picture Mom sitting on the side of her bed or putting away the perfectly folded clothing in the dresser doesn’t mean I need to hold on to those things to keep her memory alive!  I can get rid of all of the tangible things, but I still hoard the important “stuff”, those priceless memories, locked away safely in my heart, protected like Mom always protected me.