A call came in from my youngest daughter earlier this week.  It took me by surprise because it was early afternoon on a weekday, and she is working from home due to the continued stay-at-home orders due to COVID-19.  I don’t generally get a call from her during work time unless there is an emergency.  What caught me truly off-guard was her query as soon as I answered the phone.

“Why doesn’t Nana have a headstone on her grave?” she asked.  “She only has a card with her name, birth and death date on a little plastic marker.  The pink flowers are really pretty!  I’m surprised that they haven’t blown away with the wind we’ve had this week”.

My mind starts processing all of these comments at once…..how did she know about the pink flowers I placed on Mom’s grave in the church cemetery at the beginning of March? Why would she be asking about a headstone… right now?  during the workday? out of the blue?

I stammered a bit as I’d just been barraged with several questions for which I needed to quickly assemble a coherent reply.  What she did not realize is I’ve thought a lot about a headstone since Mom’s passing last August…..A LOT.

We continued to talk, and I found out she’d gone to her office in Durham for something related to work.  While she was on her way back home, somehow (I didn’t ask this…directions are not her strong suit) she ended up at my parent’s church.  Trust me, it is nowhere near a straight line between her work and home.  This was a deliberate trip….and it made me smile inside.  She remembered!   Only those who have loved and lost and buried can truly understand what it means to have someone go and visit a gravesite.  It is not easy….

I digress, but this really meant the world to me.

Back to my now vivid visualization of my daughter and her 50lb. puppy, a sheepadoodle, visiting Mom’s grave.  And the picture expands to a wide-angled view as I find out that they wandered around the entire graveyard, looking at headstones and grave markers.

Again came the question with a solution offered…”so why haven’t you bought a headstone for Nana?  I’ll go pick out one if you need me to!”

There are times when you are able to discuss hard, painful emotional topics with an adult child.  This was one of those moments for me.

“I haven’t bought one for Nana, because I can’t bear to have Dad see it.”  “Why?” She continued pressing. “All the other graves have headstones and I want Nana to have one too.”  I choked back a tear, and tried to keep my voice calm.

“When your Granddad goes up to church, and walks over to visit Nana’s grave, I don’t want him to see his name on an empty space on a headstone.”

“But why would his name be on it?”  And then I realized….when she was looking around at all the names carved in various fonts on all different sized pieces of granite, she was only focusing on the surnames.  I quickly thought to myself- my daughter had probably never walked around in a cemetery before.  She had never studied the way the names were written or their placement on the stones.  Therefore, she did not know that, at least in this graveyard, most couples have a large stone with their family’s name, flanked by smaller markers (sometimes in front, other times in back) carved or cast with each family member’s name, date of birth and death.

Finally, I shared with her THE reason why I had not placed a headstone…. yet.  “Sweetheart, I can not bear to have a stone with Granddad’s name and birthday, followed by a dash to be filled in with the date of his death.  If I did so, every time he would walk up to Mom’s grave, Granddad would have a fresh reminder that his days are numbered.  I can’t do that to him.  It would hurt too much.”

“Ohhh…” she said slowly, in a manner that I knew the point had hit home.  She understood. “So will you not get one until Granddad dies?”

“Most probably,” I replied.  I went on to share with her what a wonderful job my parents had done to prepare for their funeral and final resting place.  They had made all of the arrangements, picked out the coffins, and prepaid for everything…..right down to the memorial pamphlets to be shared with friends and family at the service. “They picked out and paid for everything, except the headstone.  If they’d done that, like some families have, Dad would be used to seeing it there.  But it is too close to his time.”

“I understand,” my sweet daughter replied.  In a few minutes, a deeply emotional and complex situation for which she had no prior context or experience became clear.  “That would be horrible for Granddad.  I get it now.  It would be like a place holder for him.”

I never asked her why she went by the cemetery that day.  The reason doesn’t matter.  That fact is she did.  She remembers her Nana, and is coming to grips with the realization that before she or any of us are ready, there will be a headstone in place.  And on it will be  two full names, two birthdays, and two dates of departure from this life.

I can’t help but ponder thoughts, prior to the current COVID-19 pandemic, I would have never considered.  How ironic it is that you can make a reservation for a place to rest upon your death, but you can’t even make a reservation for dinner with someone you love?  You can reserve a burial plot for all eternity, but you can not make a plane reservation to travel to see a loved one, or attend graduations, celebrate weddings and attend other functions for which advance arrangements are required.

Our global health crisis is resulting in far too many “permanent reservations” to be filled, and their time-slots are not ones we choose.  Unless the wind blows them away, there will always be beautiful flowers to mark Mom’s final resting place on this earth.  But, until my Daddy has fulfilled all of the tasks he chooses to complete in his life, he will not see a granite stone bearing his name, his birthday, and a dash.  Dad will be allowed to confront his own mortality privately, in his own way, in his own time.  I hope and pray that the place-holder for his final reservation, a spot beside Mom which he held on this earth for almost 70 years, will be vacant for a long, long time.