I had no idea that my father was such a connoisseur of toilet paper.  Who would think that a man who is almost 94 years old would care about what he used to…..well, you know?

One evening last week, Dad turned to me from his recliner and asked “when you go to the store again, could you pick up something for me?”  “Sure!” I replied. “What would you like?” without thinking twice about what the request would be.

You see, I made the mistake of not considering all possibilities before saying “yes”, thus sealing my fate.  Like a child on Santa’s knee, asking for a pony, a puppy and a kitten, I assured him I would fulfill his request before knowing it, or knowing the possibilities of acquiring it.

I paused, and waited to hear what item Dad desired.  The item I agreed to get for him the next time I went to the store.  The only thing he had asked for in months.

“Could you get me a pack of that Angel Soft toilet paper?”

Noooooooooooooooo! He asked for the Holy Grail!  He asked for the one single item that I had NO idea how to find,  for any amount of money.

Dad did not know that the last time I had actually seen a package of toilet paper on a store shelf was exactly 1 month earlier at Lidl’s.  And that day, I had already been to 5 stores before 8am, looking for potatoes and toilet paper.  I was in a line waiting for the store to open on March 16, 2020, and was happy to find a few packages on the shelves.  The limit per person was 3, so I took only 2.  And they were 12 roll packs!  YES!  I was pleased with myself knowing I had proactively stocked up ahead of the anticipated shut down of life as we knew it, which none of us could even remotely comprehend at that time.

I came home, proudly stored my 12 packs for use when the current stash was eliminated, and was totally confident I had done my part to prepare for whatever I was supposed to prepare for.

“Dad, do you realize that every, single time I’ve been to any store in the past 4 weeks, I’ve looked at the toilet paper aisle to check the supply?  There has not been any….there is none…..ANYWHERE.  I’ve even tried to order it online from Walmart, and they are always ‘out-of-stock’ for any and all brands of toilet paper!”

He didn’t let it drop.  He asked “but could you just go to my bathroom and try to pull the toilet paper off the roll?  It’s the new toilet paper you bought and it keeps tearing.  I need some more Angel Soft.  I think you bought 1-ply.”

“But Daddy don’t you understand?  I bought the ONLY OPTION available when I could find it, and I haven’t seen any since then. THERE IS NO TOILET PAPER IN THE STORES!”

The following day, I needed to go to the store for a couple of items.  Of course, Angel Soft was at the top of the list, but I wasn’t too hopeful.  Dad wanted to ride in the car and wait in the parking lot.  Little did I know but he had an ulterior motive for doing so…. he had become a TP Detective.

I checked the paper product aisle as I made my path through the one-way aisles (new rules for stores with the social distancing) and found it to be completely void of any products.  As I opened the car door to deposit the bag of groceries on the rear seat, I relayed the news to Dad…no toilet paper in the store.

But he wasn’t upset at all.  In fact, he said “I think I just spotted someone with toilet paper walking to a car over there!  I think they came out of the Dollar General store”!  I said “OK, I’ll go check.  Be back in a minute”.

I wove my way through the aisles at the Dollar General, and was surprised to see many items stocked pretty well.  They tend to have just a few of lots of different types of products, so you never know what you’ll find.  There were signs limiting quantities of the most sought after items, as I’ve found in most stores.  Yet even the hand sanitizers and disinfecting wipes were conspicuously absent, as they are most places.

As I rounded the last aisle on my quest for the elusive quilted rolls, a bright light seemed to shine down and choir began to sing in perfect harmony as the Angel Soft 12 pack appeared in my peripheral vision.  I blinked twice, not believing I what I was truly seeing.  “YES!” I yelled out before looking around to see if anyone saw me as I grabbed a pack and clutched it to my chest like a tight end diving into the end zone for a touchdown.

I hurried towards the check-out, ready to tackle anyone who tried to pry my prize away from my hands.  But a woman wearing a mask and rounding the corner of the school supply aisle said “wait…where did you get that?” Knowing there were a few more on the shelf, even a couple of Charmin 8 packs, I pointed her in the right direction and wished her good luck.

As I crossed the parking lot, I could see my SUV from several rows away.  Proud of my 12-pack, I hoisted it high above my head so Dad could see my trophy on my approach.  Just as I saw his smile of delight through the windshield, knowing his daughter had come through with his request, I heard a lady’s voice from a few vehicles over call out “excuse me, where did you get that? And do they have any paper towels?”  I filled her in on the details so she too could hopefully make her path to the back corner of the store before the shelves were once again empty.

Dad now has all 12 rolls of Angel Soft, 2-ply, septic safe, “thickest ever” toilet paper stored safely in his bathroom, one roll on the holder, and the other 11 ready and waiting. What happened to the 1 ply?  Well, lets just say that I’ll be carefully pulling 1000 sheets of see-through TP squares off 24 rolls….VERY  S L O W L Y .