It was 12:15pm on Sunday.  Not just any Sunday, but May 12, 2019…Mother’s Day.  I was standing in the middle of a store in the mall, surrounded by toddlers in strollers and young children whose Mom’s were in tow (or the other way around, depending on the age of the child).  I was by far the oldest person in the store.  All the Mom’s were there to assist their precious little ones with choosing a soft, cuddly toy.  Together they could oversee each step of the assembly process down to the placement of a special heart inside.  Then, they could choose an outfit to personalize their dog, bear, or kitty.

The irony was, I was not there with one of my children to watch them make the choice of what animal they would like to “bring to life” and give a home.  Or one they could play with when they were happy, or snuggle with when they were sad.

I was in Build-a-Bear Workshop to choose an outfit for my Mom’s stuffed kitty.  You see, my Mom is almost 90 years old, is suffering from the end-stages of dementia, and is completely dependent on others for her total care.  For almost 4 years, she has lived in a facility, but recently entered a nursing home where she is in the care of hospice.

When Dad and I reached the nursing home just after 1pm, we found that lunch was a bit late.  No one had started feeding Mom.  Dad wheeled her to a quiet corner in the living room while I carried her tray and secured a bib on her because she eats better in a less hectic environment.  The turkey, mashed potatoes with gravy, and garden peas seemed tasty to her.  She ate every bite I fed her, and would reach for the tea glass which she could manage pretty well on her own.  I had a cup of coffee cooling for her to drink with her peach crumble dessert.  As soon as she said “I’m full”, I brought out the Mother’s Day cards, gift bag and camera to record the event.

First, she intently studied her cards as I read them to her, provided a much appreciated “Awww!” and pulled my face to hers for a kiss on the cheek.  Priceless.  These are the moments I live for.

But the grand finale was the opening of the gift bag.  It took quite a bit of instruction, assistance and encouragement for her to pull out the tissue paper to discover what was inside.  But once she finally managed to pull the little packet out of the bag and saw the contents, there were no words to describe the pure, childlike joy that she expressed.  Her eyes sparkled like a toddler when they first glimpse what Santa left on Christmas morning.

Pajamas and a night robe for her kitty.  That was what was in the bag.  That was all.  But to Mom, it was everything…..the best gift ever!  She turned to me excitedly and asked “when is your birthday?!”

Dementia plays such tricks on the mind….and to her, seeing a gift, and me, and cards….it must be my birthday.  But isn’t this just her mothering instinct kicking in?  She would have done this for me…given me clothes for my doll, and cards with sentimental words inside about how much I meant to her.  The tide has turned, and now I have the opportunity to see her experience the pure, simple joy of receiving something that would mean something special to her.

I reminded her that it was Mother’s Day, and the present was hers.  That didn’t faze Mom, or depress her excitement at all.  Dad and I assisted Mom with dressing Buttons, her kitty.  The PJ’s looked adorable!  Mom was able to help thread the arm of the robe onto the Buttons, and Dad loosely tied the robe’s belt to keep it secure.

Mom kissed, talked, hugged, laughed, admired her kitty’s new clothes, and finally fell asleep in her wheelchair, gently cuddling Buttons like a newborn baby (she did look fabulous in her new pajamas with matching robe!). Mom had the most contented smile on her face, and Buttons had a few stains on hers from the loving kisses she’d received.

When Dad and I arrived back home, I wanted to call everyone I knew to tell them about Mom and her kitty’s new Build-a-Bear clothes.  But I did not want to risk anyone thinking it was silly or stupid.  “Why didn’t you take her flowers?”  Those people who would wonder why I didn’t choose flowers had never been to visit Mom.  If they had, they would know that her semi-private room is so cramped and, due to all the wound care materials, lotions, mouth care supplies, diapers, etc. that are on her bedside table, there are no room to set a vase of flowers.  “Why not a big box of chocolates?” Those who would ponder about why I did not choose truffles or caramels do not know the struggle I have had trying to secure dental care for Mom because of her poor dental condition.

I chose clothes for Buttons as a gift for Mom because Buttons, her favorite stuffed kitty, is ALWAYS by her side.  Buttons comforts her when she becomes agitated.  Buttons is always there when I am not able to hold her bony, arthritic hands.  Mom always took care of Dad and me….and now Mom needs to take care of Buttons.   She’s done her hard work.  Now it’s my job to do the tough stuff.  I do my very best to make sure everyone’s needs are met.  I take care of Dad, and I make certain that Mom gets all of the care she requires and deserves.  The truth is, anyone who would even consider questioning the rationale behind such a unique Mother’s Day gift has never personally been affected by a loved one with dementia.

When I am not there, when the nurses are with other patients, when Mom’s room is dark and she wakes up from a bad dream, Buttons will be there to soothe her as she always was for me.

It is a struggle to discover something that will reach through the darkness of dementia and touch your loved one in a meaningful way.  Flowers are beautiful, but they will soon wither and be tossed in the trashcan.  Chocolates will taste good, but are empty calories for one who needs nutrition to heal from countless skin tears, and will further damage teeth that are barely able to chew soft food.  But a smartly dressed kitty will provide endless days and nights of loving companionship.

I do not know if I will have the gift of celebrating another Mother’s Day with my Mom.  But today, we had the best Mother’s Day together I can ever remember!

As I reflect on my shopping trip to Build-a-Bear Workshop among-st all the other shoppers selecting stuffed toys and outfits for them, none will be appreciated or admired or treasured as much as a tiny set of PJ’s with matching pink and white robe.   Sweet dreams, and Happy Mother’s Day.  XXX