“Are you going to visit your Mum today?” my fiance asked. Usually it is a question easily answered, although the reason for the answer is not always simple.  Today the answer is “no…it is just too hard”.

Today is New Year’s Eve, 2017.  Another chapter in my life and the life of everyone else closes and is sealed in a few short hours, never to be rewritten again.  The chance to make any changes is past.  Only when I begin the next chapter in 2018 can I attempt to write what I hope will one day become memories on which I reflect positively…..ones I choose to revisit time and time again.

I took Dad to see Mom yesterday.  Her home for the past 2.5 years has been a combined Assisted Living and Memory Care facility. We try to go for visits when we can (hopefully) have some meaningful time with her.  It is crucial to coordinate around meals, naps, and other necessary daily living activities so we can focus just on communicating with her without distractions.  It is always a hope that she will be happy and that there will be some recognition of who we are.  A bonus is if we can enjoy a moment of conversation which shows some level of awareness….of anything.

Since her last hospitalization a couple of months ago, which included a stay in intensive care, Mom has seemed more content for some unexplained reason.  Her deep set, sunken eyes have lost their shine, but she sometimes offers a slight smile when she sees us.  Her outstretched hand is welcome, and either Dad or I will hold her cool, bent, arthritic  fingers for most of the time we are with her.  One of her wonderful caregivers regularly paints her fingernails, and Mom does seem to notice!  Friday they were freshly done in a muted burgundy color.  It is easy to tell when the polish is new because she occupies her day with picking it off, bit by bit, until the next manicure.  It is comforting to know that someone, other than Dad and I, has taken the time to hold her hands.  To gently take off the old polish, and paint on a fresh, new color requires time and patience.  Touch is so important, and can often communicate more than words to a loved one.

Christmas Eve, I noticed her fingernails were getting too long.  One thing the staff members are reluctant to do is clip nails.  With the risk of bleeding due to so many residents taking aspirin or other anticoagulants for their health, it is a safety concern which I appreciate.  So, I retrieved a small set of clippers from my purse and proceeded to clip her nails, one by one. (Mom taught me to be prepared for anything, so I have enough supplies in my purse to take care of most emergencies short of inpatient surgery.) Dad held one hand while I worked on the other.  I was relieved to return her nails to a short, neat, and smooth status so she would hopefully not scratch herself.

She was getting tired by now, so we wheeled her into her room for an afternoon nap.  Dad called Mom’s afternoon caregiver to help transfer her into bed.  It is amazing how a 116lb little lady can be so challenging to move, but it has to be done carefully to avoid further bruises and skin tears on her fragile skin.  Once in bed, I kissed her on the cheek and told her how much I loved her.  She replied “I love you more!” which always warms my heart.  I then thanked her for letting me cut her fingernails.  She said “I didn’t know you did that!”

This was all the conversation that she offered, but I got all I needed….her words of love.  And I was reminded of how in 15 minutes, she’d forgotten.  She looked at her fingers as if she didn’t believe me or understand that I had trimmed them just a few minutes ago. But I knew that I’d taken the time and made the effort out of love for my Mom.  I noticed something that she needed, and I was able to take care of that need.  I had done something good, something meaningful…..maybe not to her, but for me.  She looked better with nice, neat nails.  And she was safer from hurting herself.  I wonder how many hundreds of times she must have trimmed my nails for me when I was unable to do so?  I bet I didn’t notice or remember either!

Yesterday, Dad and I went to visit.  But she was already asleep, down for an early nap.  She looked so peaceful.  We stood quietly over her, and noticed that she’d started chipping away at the one day old polish.  We did not wake her.  Her rest was more important than seeing us for a few minutes.  Later she would forget we were there.  But we knew we went, and we saw her comfortable, and hopefully dreaming of things that her mind could remember and enjoy.

I just can’t go to visit Mom today.  New Years Eve is a day filled with such mixed emotions.  “Out with the old, in with the new” is so hard to hear when I don’t want the old to go.  So much is gone already, and the void is getting bigger.  I suppose I mourn her loss of our shared memories.  But she doesn’t know that she doesn’t remember the details and events of her life, so for that I am thankful.  I do remember, and I can reflect on the special times we’ve shared.  So I need to be content and grateful that tomorrow I can go visit with my Mom and hold her hand.   We will have a photo taken together to document the memory that I will always have of wishing her Happy New Year in 2018.

Mom, I love you more.